Joy & Sadness

Today has been filled with both incredible joy and earth shattering sadness.

My long-time friend became a dad for the first time to a beautiful little girl, which if fantastic and I could not be happier for him, his lovely wife and their new little girl.

But I also learned that another friend had to terminate her pregnancy because her baby was very abnormal and would not make it to term. I feel very sad for her and her partner that they have had to do this. It reminds me a little of when I had a miscarriage a few years ago, though unlike that I had no say in the matter, no choices to make, it just happened. I truly hope that she doesn’t blame or question herself and that the sorrow, loss and sadness will go down over time.

It makes me realise just how much I love my little bubba boy and so he has had extra hugs today!

Given that I live 100’s of miles away, it has also made me feel a little isolated as I wish I could be there to give both of them big hugs. So I guess I will have to send big loving hugs their way through the air OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO love to you both xx

Fear........ Paralysing Fear

So it has started, well actually it started a while ago but as per usual I have been slack at writing it on here!

A while ago I had a dream where my bubba crawled off the edge of a bridge, not so cool and ever since then I have been paranoid about him doing something like that. He is by nature a climbing kind of kid and into everything. I'm not sure if it is something all mothers (parents) experience, though I'm sure to one degree or another it is. But I'm sure that my fear of him hurting himself is far more significant than my husbands. I know you have to let kids be kids, but he is still so little (14 months) and doesn't really know that it's not cool to continually crawl onto the road or climb up the couch or any of the 1001 other things he does.

But fear, that heart beating in your throat, I-think-I-spew kind of fear well it's terrifying! Though I must admit, it has slowly faded back a little. Don't get me wrong, it is still right there, but it has faded so it's not so prominent and is not my first thought all the time! Hopefully it will get less and less as time goes on!

Teething.......Who Would Have Though!?!?!?

My little bubba boy is getting his 3^rd tooth. He has his 2 bottom front teeth and now the next one to come though is the one next to the right top front tooth. Is that the eye tooth? I’m not sure. Well I’d have thought the front ones would have come in first, but Lachy is special and does things his way!!!

Beware!!! One of the things that doesn’t seem to get mentioned anywhere is that when kids are teething they poo. A LOT! Yesterday we had to deal with several monster poos, one of which was very squidgy and leaked out the sides! And today before 10:30 I already have changed 2 pooy nappies! Gross! And it’s not his normal log shape poos, oh no, it’s squishy and STINKY and runny and yellow and really gross!!!

Well I’m off to do a poo patrol........

ps. there was a poo surprise waiting :( 

Domestic Goddess?!?!

So the ring worms are slowly getting better, much slower than I’ like but at least they are going away. Though I have booked bubba into the doctor on Monday for just in case. Since last week I swear I have done about 3000 loads of washing! I’ve also been a good house wife (?!) and made sugarless date loaf, cauliflower & lentil curry, and will make chocolate macaroons today if LJ has an extra long  nap, here’s hoping!

The last few weeks have been a little painful with LJ, not only because of the ringworms, but at night he has been really grizzly and fussy and if hubby is holding him he crys and crys and crys and as soon as he comes to me he stops crying and generally goes to sleep. It’s made hubby feel very unloved by LJ and a little sad that LJ won’t go to him in the evenings. I do feel for both of them and at the same time, I’d like LJ to go to Joe as I don’t want to be the main source of comfort for LJ (what if I’m away or out or something?). however last night we had a little break though, LJ went to sleep being rocked by Joe, so hopefully he is feeling a little better and a little more loved!

Well I’m off to have a slice of sugarless date loaf and a cup of tea while LJ is napping......

Disgusting DIS-GUS-TING!!!

Gross! Yuckie! Ikky! Rank! Disgusting!!! So the other day my bubba LJ had little red dots on his legs which we thought were bites because my hubby had taken him for a walk in the evening and there are plenty of bugs about. Little did we know..... The little ‘bites’ have no turned ringworms!!! YUCK, DISGUSTING, GROSS!!!! Last night I had my suspicions and asked hubby, who thought I was crazy so I dismissed it and when I took LJ to the doctor this morning he confirmed my worst suspicions! I don’t even know how he got them, we have a dog, but I think she is pretty clean, though she did spend a week in the dog boarding kennels recently so who knows?!? So I feel very dirty and itchy and a little freaked out if I’m honest. Ringworms! Yuck! But he has cream and well after a little internet ‘research’ I found that it isn’t worms but rather a fungi infection. Great so now my bubba is a breeding ground for fungus! Cue more itching! I phoned hubby and told him the ‘good’ news and his response was ‘yuck, can we catch it off him?’ hopefully not, the doctor seemed to think we should have enough immunity floating round to kill off any thing that tries to fungus us. Hopefully. It’s so gross I just might need to go have another shower just incase!

Well I’m off to a) have another shower & b) get extra worming stuff for the dog......

Fraudster

sometimes I feel a little like a fraud.

I don't really feel like a mum, sometimes I feel like someone has handed me this little person and I’m supposed to take care of him and love him and try and not totally screw his life up and give him lots of issues to discuss at a later date with a shrink! Don't get me wrong, I love him and worry about him, but sometimes I just get this weird feeling that I’m really a fraud. I’m not sure if I’m old enough, responsible enough, mature enough, patient enough and just all round not enough :(

My mum says that Lachy looks at me with adoring eyes, she obviously hasn't seen him with tears and snot running down his face because he is oh-so-sad that I won't pick him up for the millionth time that day.
I’m not sure what the perfect mum is supposed to be like? I know a few mums that have fantastic 'mum' qualities that somehow didn't manifest in me, like the ability to talk all day about nothing in particular and sing nursery rhymes all day and love having their space invaded constantly. I’m not really like that. At All. It makes me a little sad, I think that somehow Lachy might be missing out. And being a mum is certainly very hard, much harder and very different to what I thought it would be like. Luckily I have a great husband who helps out a lot. Luckily! I certainly have to take my hat off to all the single mums (and dads) out there as I don't know how they do it with no support.

I was sure there was some magic ‘Mum Manual’ that installed itself into your head when the baby popped out! I think they forgot me! There’s still so much I don’t know, all those things that mum’s just know, even the washing instructions on one of my tops says to give it to mum cos she’ll know what to do! Aren’t I supposed to know now that I’m a mum!?!?!?

Anyways that is my ramblings for today. I know I say it all the time but I have been meaning to write more, and I do think of lots of things to write but somehow they stay in my head and don’t make it to here. Maybe it’s because sometimes I feel embarrassed by what I have to say (it’s even embarrassing just writing that!) but I will endeavour to try harder.
Good night

Food for thought

So I've been thinking about my relationship with food and I don't think it's been very healthy (so to speak!). These are some of the things I've been told:
"there are starving children...eat all your food"
"I've cooked this especially for you, make sure you eat it all"
"we've paid for this meal, make sure you eat it all"
"just have another piece, make sure you eat it all"
"make sure you eat it all"
"make sure you eat it all"........
And so forth and the like.
So I think, no I know I feel guilty if I don't eat everything on my plate, even when I've dished it up myself, or even if i don't really like it. And I especially feel guilty if I don't eat everything if I've gone out for a meal. I've poked things in even when I've been so full that I've made myself feel sooo sick. But having to actually think about it has made me have a mini break through. I went away last night to sort out something (a whole nother story) and while I didn't feel like going out for dinner as I had bubba with me I ordered Thai home delivery and got extra veggies. I didn't eat the rice, well ok I had 3 small forks of it. And I felt full after only half the dish so I put it aside and didn't eat the rest, though I must admit I did eat the rest as a snack in the morning! Then for breakfast I ordered a yummy dish of mushrooms on sourdough toast with spinach and 1 poached egg and honey ricotta. I got full about half way and even though it was pretty yummy I stopped. Yep I really did.
So I'm a little proud of that. I've just got to keep it up.
I've also bought some pretty dessert plates and I'm now using them as my dinner plates so that I'll have smaller size dinners.
Well it's a start and I'm sure I have a lot longer way to go.